- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
- Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
- I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
- Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
- Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
source: http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/
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