My Pathetic Universe

Do you remember one of the episodes of Mr. Bean? – The one where he created a greeting card for himself and acted very surprised upon seeing the greeting card?  I used to laugh at that episode but now, I’m not sure which of us is more pathetic.

Right now, I’m staring at this gift I sent to her via LBC several days ago.

After my very important mission in Manila last December 16, I decided to send my Birthday gift to her via courier. I remember how many hours I spent just to wrap that little box.

We both live in the city of Lucena but I really don’t know where exactly her place is – that’s why I ended up with the courier. Yeah I know I’m making excuses. I can’t deliver it myself even if I know where her home is.

Anyway, I wrote down her name and address that I memorized for so long and also her mobile number that I engraved in my brain no older than a month. I didn’t put my address, just my name and mobile number.

 “Kelan dating nyan sa Lucena?” I asked the LBC personnel

“Bukas na bukas Sir andun na ‘to.” He assured.

I headed back to Lucena.

The following day, Team LBC texted me:

“Sir, dpo klala c (HER NAME) d2 sa (HER ADDRESS). D rin po nmin mkontak. Pkikontak n lng po sya at pkisbing iclaim nya pdala nya sa lbc ofc lucena.”

But you know what? I greatly expected that scenario. There are many factors and one is her address. I got her address in her graduates’ info sheet way back in 2006. Maybe she had already moved. Second is her mobile number. Maybe I’d written it incorrectly or memorized it wrongly. Or maybe she didn’t move, she always wanted to become anonymous and maybe she succeeded that even her neighborhood doesn’t know that she exists. Or maybe she did receive the LBC message but knowing that it’s from me, she didn’t give a damn and just thought 'nice try' (joke!)

So after three days, I claimed the package in the LBC office half-hoping that it’s not there anymore. When the employee handed me the package, I acted surprised.

“Hey, I got a gift... Wait a minute, this looks familiar...”

What a pathetic loser I am.

Maghapon na akong naghahanap ng trabaho online, lahat ng pwedeng pasahan ng resumé/portfolio pinasahan ko na. Lahat halos ng job bank sites nabisita ko na at nagsignup na rin. Halos lahat ng kaopisina ko ganun ang ginagawa. Habang naghahanap, minsan may matitisod na job vacancy na pwede sa kasama ko kaya ipapasa sa kanya:

‘Tol baka trip mo pasahan ‘to’ sabay send ng link. At sila naman nagbibigay sakin ‘pag may nakita sila.

Bago kami umuwi, the management officially announced the company’s ‘death day’. ‘Di na talaga kayang magsurvive.

Although we’ve been predicted it, still malungkot pa rin, kala ko nga bale wala lang sakin pag tuluyan nang in-announce ang pagsasara, ‘pro di pala.

I had my dinner at McDo  Makati Ave. cor. Jupiter, consumed the food in an instant then took my laptop. Libre ang WiFi kaya pwede ako maghanap ng trabaho habang naroon. I checked my emails first, wishing that some company na in-email ko earlier and days before e nagreply na.

But the ‘Inbox’ was unlit and no parenthesis with a number inside, in short walang email. But I’m still happy kasi yung inaamag na folder with her name just below the email’s default folders was glaring with a ‘(1)’ in bold letters. It may sound exaggerated but I felt like pinagaagawan ako ng mga company na pinasahan ko.

While opening her email, thousands of things battling in my head, wala kasi ako idea kung bakit at anong meron.

Forwarded emails? Not likely, ‘di naman mahilig mag-forward yun. Tinotopak lang at gusto akong pagalitan? Hmmm, pwede na rin kesa wala. Wrong send? Pwede na. Blank message or na-hack email account nya, etc.

Her email finally opened and it’s all about her forgotten Multiply account. I quickly hit reply because I’m on battery, baka maubusan pa bago ko masend.

You may think ‘what’s the big deal about her email’, well it’s the very first email I received from her without the abbreviation ‘Re:’ in front of the subject (in fact, there is no subject either). That’s big deal for me.

I told her my failed adventure that day, and how her email helped me somehow. I also told her that I exponentially getting more pathetic ‘pag nagdadrama.

UPDATE
She replied the next day. She would likely to mock me being soon-to-be-jobless and all but instead, she wrote, “makakahanap ka rin ng trabaho.”

"Do you still love me?" she asked while I part her way walking towards the darkness. I stopped and shook my head. I could hear her sobs.

"I can't remember if there's a time that I don't..." I replied, not dared to turn around. Then took a step forward.

"Then why?" she asked again, rather louder. I stopped again, took a deep breath but still my back on her.

"I've been like this for more than 15 years, Marie, and I can live like this for another eternity." I bitterly replied and took another step forward.

"I think, I love you." She quickly said.

Again, I stopped but never breathed nor moved for almost a minute. then I turned my head and slowly walked toward her. She's under the faded light of the street lamp with several insects dancing under it creating some sort of light effects on her. She's looking down, sobbing silently when I reached her, I really hate to see her like that. I lifted her face and looked at her watery eyes and her tears drifting off her chin, I wiped it with my hand.

"I’ve been repeating those three stupid words for almost 10 years just to make you ‘think’ that you can reciprocate, are you really that cruel?" I said slowly. She cried even more.

One thing I’ve learned in this cruel world is once no one wants to love you and you’re alone, you’ll learn to love yourself.

I kissed her forehead gently and whispered, “I’m sorry, goodbye.”

Today, I settled all my dues at Smart Communications (SmartBro Internet), which I really had no plan on paying before. Aside from the fact that no one ever convicted because of debt, I bet Smart will never find me. And one more thing, I found a flaw on their contract which added to my firm decision that I will never pay that debts.

Though their lawyer really annoyed me, I still hold on to my decision until one day, last Tuesday, she told me through YM “baka lumaki pa yan, bayaran mo na.”

That very instant, I flipped my decision without a strand of hesitation. No matter how much, I will pay that debt.

So I went to Smart Wireless Center Lucena and waited 2 hours, yup two hours, plus or minus five minutes, but that’s not all, my concern processed for almost an hour, so all in all it’s about three hours and cost me P4,360. It took that long because there’s only one customer representative who attends to a bunch of Smart subscribers with different concerns.

To a normal person who loses about P4000 and wasted about 3 hours on waiting, he would likely to hit someone on his way or just cry, but me, nothing, no regret, in fact I’m happy. I even pulled a joke to this sole representative if I can pass my resume because I think they need an additional customer representative.

That’s what a scent of concern would do to me? I can’t imagine what I’ve done or would do if that’s a more concerned text. That's how pathetic I am.


Related

I’ve been planning on buying UPS (Uninterrupted Power Supply) for the past two years, I think, because of the faulty electrical wiring in my neighborhood. Fluctuations and power interruptions’ always there especially during windy or rainy seasons. I’m afraid that this voltage/current spike will cost my computer files.

But amidst of my concern and love for my files, still, it took me years to finally acquire a new UPS. Why is that?

One reason maybe is the price. UPS tag is proportional to its weight, and this weight is the second reason, imagine carrying about 8kl+ of plastic and battery between every transport from Manila to Lucena.

Well, everything is, of course, because of her. Last Saturday, while chatting with her, YM of course, this notorious power interruption halted our conversation. That’s it. I think I don’t need to explain further.

This is the third day of my morning shift schedule, and my body still unable to adapt the new scheme. I’ve been nocturnal for several years and it’s not easy adjusting the body clock so suddenly, in fact, it’s painful. So I have to find ways on how to tire myself after work and hopefully get some sleep before dawn.

This time I decided to watch a movie, because PSP doesn’t work anymore. The movie was Blood: The Last Vampire, a live action adaptation of an anime of the same title. The movie was good but not remarkable enough. But, this entry is not about the movie or my painful work schedule.

I left the office at around 6:30 and then rode a jeep heading to Landmark. Inside this PUJ, I notice a group of seven, happily chatting about their adventure that day. And three couples, holding hands and whispering to each other because the limited air inside the vehicle is being used by the group. And me, one of the passengers, alone, all ears.

I arrived at my destination at around 6:50, the movie will start at 8:20 so I decided to take a little stroll around Glorietta. At the center, I approached the Hewlett-Packard booth and peeked at their latest product. Two couples were in front of me asking tons of questions to the representative about HP mini. I walked around, hopped from booth to booth; cameras, cellphones, computers, etc. All I noticed is I’m the only one without a company. “What is wrong with this day?’ I thought.

Couples walking around, hand in hand. Couples sitting on a bench, with the girl’s head on the guy’s shoulder. A group fooling around, and so on…

I visited a book sale section hoping to see someone alone as me because book is somehow synonymous to loner, but to my dismay, there were none. A girl, who I thought was alone, asked me which one is better, The Runaway Jury or The Client, we were at John Grisham’s section. Luckily I’ve read both of them.

“The Client, definitely”, I replied.

But before she utter her next query (or gratitude), her boyfriend arrived.

Still far from the movie, I decided to have my dinner at McDo, and what would you expect? Of course, partners/groups here there and every seat, seems happy as hell. Me, the only one who’s dating my own huge bag sitting across the table.

After meal, I climbed several floors to buy ticket. While at the line, I noticed that everyone in front, side, and back of me were partners or groups. If ever there’s someone who’s buying ticket alone, that would be me.

While at the counter, the receptionist asked me what movie I was going to watch and how many ticket, I said Cinema 2 for one.

“For one”, she repeated. I just nodded then smiled.

There were a few people inside when I entered the theatre, I just thought that this movie was not that too popular, but even so, I still anticipated this movie.

I settled myself and my bag on my right, and watched the movie in silence, ignoring the people coming in. Of course, I have none to listen to my comment about the movie, and besides, I hate talking when watching something. I just don’t want to miss a thing, I guess.

When the movie ended and the lights turned on, I decided to wait a couple of minutes for them to leave, I don’t want to fight the crowd to the exit. Guess what I’ve noticed, yeah right, I’m the only one without a company, alone for short. They may have thought how loser I might be.

That’s what they think, but having the movie’s main character looks like someone that I know, somehow I don’t feel alone anymore.

Well so much for my sentiments, I guess I’m just getting old concerning about being alone.